How can you look at someone who loved you, nurtured you for your whole life and know that person is slipping away slowly? I visit my mother each month feeling like the time we spend grossly inadequately represents my love for her. I want to see her all the time if only to hold her hand in silence. Why must she be so far away?
She tries to talk to me but it comes out in gibberish. Sometimes while she speaks to me in nonsense or stares at me silently, I see different emotions behind her eyes. I swear I can still see love, sometimes I see distress and sometimes I see nothing but just a hollow emptiness that makes me feel such deep sadness. When she utters gibberish with an intensity, I tell her while I rub her head how much I long to hear what is really on her mind, what she is trying to say. I lay my head on her shoulder and tell her how horribly I miss her and how much I wish I could see her every day. I look in her eyes and tell her how much I love her. She stares at me blankly and every once in a while she mumbles that she loves me too. Even if it is an automatic response with no emotion behind it, I'll take it because deep in my heart, I know her spirit really does feel that way. While she fingers the bling on my shirt, I think about how I can't bear to see her only 6-8 hours per month.
Sometimes when I am in town dealing with such intense emotions, I feel so raw. I understand a little better why I spend so much time running from my feelings. I think if I were to feel these emotions all the time, it would surely kill me. There aren't words to express how tough it is to lose someone you love so much and that the loss isn't enough, you've also get to watch them deteriorate in front of your eyes. I'm going to spare her dignity here and not go into detail about what I witness in her deterioration but I assure you it is a little piece of hell. Every person is a victim of experiencing love and loss and this is easily my toughest one so far. I hope fate doesn't have a more difficult challenge ahead for me.
I am really hoping that putting these words down and sharing them with you will be cathartic for me. I'm always the brave soldier when discussing my Mom's disease with others trying to concentrate on acceptance. However, that bravery doesn't help me deal with my feelings about it. Sometimes you just have to say screw acceptance, it really F&%$ING sucks that this happened to someone I love so much, someone so unreplacable in my life, someone who deserved so much more, someone who it sometimes feels like it's killing me to lose.
