Mom

How can you look at someone who loved you, nurtured you for your whole life and know that person is slipping away slowly?  I visit my mother each month feeling like the time we spend grossly inadequately represents my love for her.  I want to see her all the time if only to hold her hand in silence.  Why must she be so far away? 

She tries to talk to me but it comes out in gibberish.  Sometimes while she speaks to me in nonsense or stares at me silently, I see different emotions behind her eyes.  I swear I can still see love, sometimes I see distress and sometimes I see nothing but just a hollow emptiness that makes me feel such deep sadness.  When she utters gibberish with an intensity, I tell her while I rub her head how much I long to hear what is really on her mind, what she is trying to say.  I lay my head on her shoulder and tell her how horribly I miss her and how much I wish I could see her every day.  I look in her eyes and tell her how much I love her.  She stares at me blankly and every once in a while she mumbles that she loves me too.  Even if it is an automatic response with no emotion behind it, I'll take it because deep in my heart, I know her spirit really does feel that way.  While she fingers the bling on my shirt, I think about how I can't bear to see her only 6-8 hours per month.

Sometimes when I am in town dealing with such intense emotions, I feel so raw. I understand a little better why I spend so much time running from my feelings.  I think if I were to feel these emotions all the time, it would surely kill me.  There aren't words to express how tough it is to lose someone you love so much and that the loss isn't enough, you've also get to watch them deteriorate in front of your eyes.  I'm going to spare her dignity here and not go into detail about what I witness in her deterioration but I assure you it is a little piece of hell.  Every person is a victim of experiencing love and loss and this is easily my toughest one so far.  I hope fate doesn't have a more difficult challenge ahead for me. 

I am really hoping that putting these words down and sharing them with you will be cathartic for me.  I'm always the brave soldier when discussing my Mom's disease with others trying to concentrate on acceptance.  However, that bravery doesn't help me deal with my feelings about it.  Sometimes you just have to say screw acceptance, it really F&%$ING sucks that this happened to someone I love so much, someone so unreplacable in my life, someone who deserved so much more, someone who it sometimes feels like it's killing me to lose. 

Celine Got Me

Dad took me to Celine Dion's preview performance in Vegas tonight. What a great surprise!! I became a fan of hers with the release of her first single in the U.S. in the early 90's. I also came to appreciate a good portion of her French music as well. I saw her in concert four times in the first 10 years after she kicked off her career in the U.S. Her vocal talent, range, and control have always amazed me. I've also always been impressed with how her singing made me feel things. She was always so expressive in her performing. She always knew when to bring the power and when to pull back. I haven't seen her in at least 10 years. She amazed me once again. That doesn't suprise me at all, what surprised me was how unprepared I was for the onslaught of emotions the concert made me feel. I found myself fighting back tears for the first four songs of the show.

Mom was my concert partner in my 20's. We saw all four Celine shows together. We were both big fans and we both had all of her CD's and always listened to them and sang them in either of our cars when we went out together. The songs Celine sang to kick off the show tonight were all from the early part of her career and it stunned me how it brought me right back to that time. Of course the only thing missing was Mom, though it was awesome enjoying it with Dad.

I started thinking a bout how certain pieces of our lives are partitioned for lack of a better word. At some point in our lives, we make decisions in our lives to close one chapter and open the next and we don't even realize at that moment that we are making a change that will define a new period of our lives. It's only when we look back at the years that have passed by, we see them in these specific segments. That is what happened to me tonight. I saw my 20's pass before my eyes and I felt happiness, nostalgia and sadness all at once.

Never A Dull Moment

This post has nothing at all to do with music. This is my dog, Frankie. She is beautiful, isn't she? My dog vomited in my bath water this morning. Yep. No joke. Fortunately, it was at the foot end of the tub. I'm pretty sure I broke some sort of record getting up and out of the water in a hurry! Yes, a lovely start to the morning. I had been up early for my morning walk with my friend, Lorri and Frankie. Thankfully, I was very much awake to be able to react quickly. Sometimes when we get home from exercise and Frankie is really thirsty and she drinks too much too fast, she's been known to upchuck some water and bits and pieces of whatever is sitting in her stomach at the time. Poor girl! Well, this morning, I must admit, I was slightly concerned as she did it twice before I ran my bath. I considered the risk and then thought no, she had never done anything like that before. When I immersed myself in the warm, soothing water, she was laying calming next to the tub so I thought all would be fine. I was in the middle of shaving my legs when she did it. Nice. I jumped up and exclaimed an expletive or two of course and she just gave me the cutest look in the world...like "Hi, Mom, what's wrong?". She's the best dog ever, I heart her tons and tons. Never a dull moment though.

Songs and more...

I started this blog forever ago with the intention of talking music and lyrics. However, in that time, I found I have so much more to talk about but I haven't been using my voice. In fact, I haven't been listening to near as much music as I used to. Don't get me wrong, I still listen to a fair amount but I have been very much into podcasts lately on the commute to and from work. So much so, that recently when I started singing in the car, my throat started hurting right off the bat. Oh, NO!! Not that!!! I ALWAYS used to sing...I may not have time to rig up the mic at home, but the car concerts were very consistent. So, I realize now...that I can't let that vocal muscles get rusty!! So, I need to get my singing voice back and share more about the other things I like to talk about. Hell, I just love to talk and if that sparks a healthy little repartee, all the better! I have also let far too many opportunities to talk about music and lyrics pass me by. I do my best thinking in my car on my commute. By the time I get to a computer and have the time to write...the moment is over. What I need is a handy little device to record my ideas while I'm driving that automatically converts them into a blog post...does such a thing exist? We gotta get on that invention!

It's All Your Fault

So I say under my blog title..."So many songs, so little time"...sooooo true!!! I don't get on here and write that often and it's very sad because so many opportunities pass me by all the time. So this one morning this week, I got to work a little early and I NEEDED to put a few words down about the song I was singing just before I arrived.


"It's All Your Fault" Performed by Pink. This song has about 5 songwriters. I wonder why I can't bang out lyrics like this and some of these great songs have multiple people creating these masterpieces! Note to self...do NOT give up!! (Taking a few seconds here in silent tribute to Alanis Morrisette) Some of you KNOW what I'm talking about. Ok, well back to the present creation.


Let me sum up the chorus for you in a few words. It's a concept that we've heard a hundred times before but I love the way it's written. I love metaphors in lyrics. They are so poetic and powerfully expressive. (again, a moment of silence for Alanis!) This chorus is about a woman speaking to the man who drew her in...she gave in, he let her go and she's stuck there now wanting him badly and blaming him for drawing her in from the beginning, blaming him, saying "Hey, you made me want you, now I want you and you don't want me now but now I have to wait until you want me again ." Here's how the song says it.....I love it...


It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair


She's holds her breath, she's waiting...but she can't breathe while she's waiting, meaning she can't live. She feels like it's completely out of her control, though she tries to gain control, she mocks her own attempts. It's emotional and maybe a little angry and a lot realistic for anyone who's fallen for someone and then wishes they never went down that particular road.



Here's the song on you tube, no video, just the song to hear and the lyrics below.











Lyrics:

I conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid


Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind (Yeah)
It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

Da da dada da dada da
Da dadadadadada da dadadadadada

I'm trying to figure out what else to say (What else could I say)
To make you turn around and come back this way
(Would you just come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never (Oh)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could
Feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (My breath)
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air (Running out of air)
And it's not fair

(Oh yeah It's all your fault)
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not (It's not) fair

He Said

It's time to get cleaning in the garage and get rid of old crap. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's my place in life but I'm feeling the need to simplify and get rid of things I haven't looked at in a long time. I took out my old box of cassette tapes. This is an important piece of memorabilia for me.


Those of you who read my blog about night driving....this box holds all the precious gems that guided me on those night drives...the songs that compelled me. I decided it's time to go through it and find the ones that I can trash and the ones that I can't live without. Of course, being that tapes are obsolete, the ones I can't live without I'll be hunting for on iTunes. So it's a process and being that I get all gooey from that nostalgic feeling, it's a great process!


I found this song one morning on the way to work a little while back. It's called "He Said" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. I spent countless hours listening to her album "Ghost of a Dog" when I was really young and this song was such a good lesson for me then. It's well written, full of emotion and packed a powerful message. I wanted to share it with you.

"He Said" Lyrics

Just before the lights went out
We sat up and talked about
All the things that we would be
I just wanted him to be with me

When we're young and impressionable and feel the first twinges of connecting with someone on a romantic and oh so intimate level, you feel you'd just die if you had to let that person go. You feel that in this song. The excitement and then aching need.

But he had a mind of his own
And he did not mind being alone
Left me there in our little world
Left me there like a little girl

He said don't get hung up
Hang ups will get you down
He said don't look back
Look up and then look around

But it also teaches about how you'll be just fine afterward. You get the impression that he is older. This sounds like a bit of age and wisdom to me, but it's not words she wants to or is even prepared to hear.

That time I was feeling high
Like I never had to try
To kick myself up out of bed
Kick these worries out of my head

He said it's better this way, yeah
One day you'll understand
He said I'm leavin' today and
He let go of my hand

She's remembering back to a simpler time before she ever knew the pain of loss. But he's forcing her to grow up here and experience it.

I know that I'll never see him again
Not the same way that I saw him then
I know that when I get back on my feet
I will walk away from misery

What do you say when it's all been said
How do you feel when it's all been felt
Where do you go when it's all gone
And you don't care enough to carry on

She knows better, she knows that she'll carry on because there is no choice but she's feeling the feelings of loss in the process, going through the inevitable ups and downs of having to adapt to not being able to cling to a person for all you received from them.

Well, I say close your eyes
Look down deep inside
Someone is there for you
Someone who cares for you

Now she's talking about herself, finding strength inside and pulling that strength from the only person you ever really have completely, yourself. This is what we ALL learn evenutally.

Well, I know it's easier to say then do
Easier to look away than see it through
I know it's easier to think than feel
Easier to make it up than make it real

Yes, we have really weak moments over love, don't we? I LOVE how this song goes back in forth between emotional need and strength and independence. Because that is how life IS. We pick ourselves up by the boot straps because that is survival, emotional survival.

Oh it's hard to love
Oh it's hard not to love
Oh it's hard to love
Oh it's hard not to love

At my age, I still feel this way sometimes...and when we start dealing with friendships that come and go and the circle of life, this takes on even more meaning then just romance.

Oh now take me there don't leave me here
Oh now take me there don't leave me here
Oh take me home and disappear
Oh oh oh no no no no no no

Just feeling the pain that is inevitable.

One of the reasons that lyrics and music speak so much to me is they just verbalize the way life truly is, the way it hits us and the many things we go through and how we emerge forever changed by life.


http://www.last.fm/music/Edie+Brickell+and+New+Bohemians/_/He+Said


I can't find this song on youtube by Edie, I don't think it ever got that much attention. (I always find those songs that are under appreciated!). I did find it on a website called last.fm. If you'd like to hear it, here's a link to listen to the song. I hope you enjoy it.

You Move Me

On my way home from a friend’s tonight, I was listening to this song “You Move Me” sung by Garth Brooks. It's a simple little song I've enjoyed since I heard it back in the 90’s but I heard it a bit differently tonight. Tim and I have been together nine years this year and I have never been more in love with him than I am today. One thing that is a constant in our relationship is growth. Everyone brings different experiences (good and bad) to their relationships, be it from childhood, friendships and the biggie, past relationships. When you get lucky enough, you find the one that makes you want to open your heart and do some really tough work on yourself. When you’re lucky enough, you find the one that makes you want to be a better person, who inspires you to deal with some really heavy internal feelings and patterns of behavior in order to better yourself and the relationship. That person makes baring your heart completely worth it. A certain depth of honesty and communication about yourself and each other develops that is unmatched from any relationship in your life before it. If you’re both willing to do the work that is. Hey, relationships are never easy, even when they are right. Loving him has been an ever evolving experience, each of us on our own and together as well. It’s been an experience I am grateful for every day. Thank you, Baby! Loving certain people just inspires you to be the best person you can. It’s not always easy facing your fears about love and it can bring out the rawest of emotions.

I particularly love these lines in the song.

“This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee”

Shit….(pardon my French) but is that the truth! Experience is the best teacher, right???? Right. But you’ve got to live it to get to the other side of the lesson.

In this song, he is singing about a man who realizes that he can’t be who he is with her. Being with her is going to change him. He won’t have a choice. He embraces it, he is ready for it. She is worth it. It does happen.

If you want to hear the song…this was the only thing I could find on youtube of the original song..lol..sorry. Just minimize while listening!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy1mI90P6XI

And, here are the lyrics. Enjoy.

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

Woman you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on

This is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin' what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn't budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I'm burning with love
And with hope and desire
How you move me

You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way

Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and
You make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me