Have you ever had a 2 1/2 year old in your life? Or better yet, raised one? The stages they go through make you question your ability to be a great parent! Though nine times out of ten I can be the perfectly patient parent handling the crying or whining exactly as I should, that one time when I lose my patience, I know what's at stake. I think of his perspective seeing this giant's wrath and the inevitable tears that follow break my heart. I start thinking of his fragile self-esteem and inability to understand why his behavior upset me. He doesn't understand cause and effect. He doesn't understand that he held the power to make things different at that very moment. He's just trying to figure out who he is.
I was prepared to have a child. To love him unconditionally and to teach him everything and be consistent and do RIGHT by him. I was prepared to discipline my child and tell him "no" and give him consequences for unacceptable behavior. What I was not prepared for was his constant self-contradictions and whining that he goes through at this age. Oh, I knew it would happen, but I had no idea how it would frustrate me! He is trying to find out who he is and how everything works in his world. This is all quite normal. An instance of this craziness: I don't care if he wears the baseball pajamas or the Elmo pajamas to bed so I let him choose. It's important to give children choices wherever you can. He chooses the baseball pajamas. We go through the whole bedtime ritual and get him dressed and as soon as he's dressed, inevitably he's changes his mind and whines and cries because he wants the Elmo pajamas as I am returning them to his drawer. But it's not over when you offer him the Elmo pajamas because then he cries that he wants the baseball ones. You can't win so you finally have to just put him to bed as is and this makes him more upset. This happens over and over about the most mundane things until we, as parents, are ready to pull our hair out. In the very next moment after that explosion when I lose it, he sits and cuddles in my lap telling me I have to be nice, the most lovable creature in the world. My heart is filled with love for him. At that moment, I don't know how I could have lost my composure.
As a parent, these are tough times and I know we're going to make it through just fine but it gives me the unshakeable feeling of failure I sometimes experience as a parent questioning whether or not I should be a parent thinking I should be better, more patient, more calm. I really do know that answer. Of course I should be a parent. I do some much RIGHT for him. I LOVE my son with all of my heart. We're all human. I know this and all I can do is be human with my child so he learns being human is ok, communicate with him honestly and from the heart. Maybe I'm doing him an even better service than I realize.
It sure makes me look back at all the explosions my parents had when I was growing up and understand them much better. Okay, that's all. Thanks for listening.
5 comments:
Knock it off! You're an awesome parent. The fact that you simply wonder about how you're doing as a parent means your a good one. So many people just go through life with no regard for their children's feelings, or how much they might be screwing them up. It's like when people say that parents shouldn't fight in front of their children. Bullshit. Kids need to see parents argue, and then resolve it! Nobody's life is perfect. But, they need the tools in life to get through it. OK, maybe not so much for a 2.5 yr old. And, who am I to preach, I have no children. But, it's all around me, and I work with children. And let's not forget, I had and infant/toddler in the house when I was in high school! That was some reality in child rearing, let me tell you. So, next time he's got the baseball jammies on and decides it's Elmo he really wants, you just tell him that Elmo is already asleep in the drawer and he can wear Elmo tomorrow night. Keep the simple things simple. And remember, when he grows up, his earliest memory won't be until he is at LEAST 3 (and it will only be something major that happened). So, he's not going to remember ANY of this. You're doing fine! In fact, you're doing great! Keep loving on that little boy. :)
Kerri's got it right. And so do you. The only way you can show him problem resolving skills is to allow yourself the freedom to be human and then make it better from there. I know how hard it is--I also get baffled as to how to successfully reason with him when he swings back and forth between two different choices, as he can't reason right now. I guess the best thing is to let him know that once he's made a choice he has to stick to his choice, because that's important in life: being on a baseball or a basketball team, who he'll want to be his girlfriend, what job he wants. Making a choice is making a choice--you can't have your cake and eat it, too. So that's an important life lesson in itself.
But overall, you're doing great with him! You're so conscious of how everything's affecting him, but still showing him by example that you count, too, and that's so necessary. He is, and is going to be, a great human being! I look forward to knowing him as a person!
Wow, Kerri and G, both of your comments were awesome! Thanks so much for your opinions. Vision gets so clouded sometimes when you're close to a situation and I've never had my emotions knocked around more than loving a child....and it's only the beginning! Lol...
However, I do know that I am doing really well with him, I just need to talk about the vulnerability that parenting sometimes leaves one with. Thanks for listening but more importantly, thanks for your thoughts!
Kerri
I've read your post & you’re the type of person who would make an excellent parent .
My question to you is why has it been 12 years since you talked to your dad ?
I hope you realize he misses you & would like to see you.
Do you actually remember what the argument was about ?
Love ,,,,, Ken H.
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